i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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