I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
