you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
