covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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