I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Randomize
