we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
