All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
