i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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