Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
