she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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