Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
PANTIES FOUND
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