New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
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The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
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Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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