He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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