and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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