Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
