we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
