I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
