Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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