Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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