I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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