It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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