Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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