someone threw a dead crab at me
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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