Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
