i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Let's paint friendship bongs
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
