Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I will pee on everything he values.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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