I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
