i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
