I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
