So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
