So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
it's like heaven, but drunker
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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