Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize