Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
