hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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