Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
