I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
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I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
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I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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