i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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