I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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