you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
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