I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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