In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
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You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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