See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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