Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
