Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
