Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i will never coherently bang her
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
