Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
