I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
