In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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