So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
