Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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