I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
