I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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