Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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