Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
